21 days, AT THE MOST, until our baby girls are here. I’ll get to those details later. The first portion of this post is just me pouring out my heart. There is your disclaimer.
I’m so full of hope, but I have these moments of absolute fear.
I’ve been afraid for months to ready the nursery. So much so, my boyfriend got on my case about it.
So this past Sunday we (he) put together the crib, cleaned the room, re-arranged furniture to accommodate the nursery. He painted, and it is starting to come together. We went out and bought diapers, put away the few pieces of clothes we picked up along the way, and really made a place for our babies to come home to.
And the next day, it hits me. It comes and goes. Some good days and bad days. Reality is a harsh harsh thing.
Even with the best possible outcome, our baby girls aren’t coming home 3 days after they’re born as a typical baby or babies would. We could still have months to get this nursery ready, and then, there is a chance it could all be for nothing.
I did a baby registry. But it’s private. I haven’t made it public yet, as I have these fears. Afraid to talk to my 3-year old daughter too much about her being a big sister. She finally knows there is a baby sister in Mommy’s belly (although she is a bit confused by that one and asked me if I ate her lol), we haven’t gotten to the point of two, or any other details. With my fears, I certainly don’t want to stress her out.
The original statistics we were given pop in my mind from time to time. Those moments, almost bring me to my knees. I’ve said before and I will say again, HOPE IS HARD.
It’s truly a tug of war in my heart and head. So hopeful, but I don’t want to be disappointed. So cautious, but I don’t want people to perceive this as not prepared, not happy, or not hopeful. I think truly my biggest fear (I’m sure this is obvious), is the babies not making it, and coming home to a house full of baby things. I sometimes justify in my mind, if I don’t prep, I can’t be disappointed later.
In church this past Sunday, the message was KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I took three pages of notes, it was like he was talking to ME.
I tell myself something like that on the hard days. Just keep moving forward. Have hope.
I am 33 weeks pregnant. To get to the less emotional, more factual stuff like doctor updates, still good news to report. We saw the fetal heart specialist and did another echo-cardiogram on the 9th, and she is still saying from her side (the hearts only), things look as good as they can. The girls have full sized and complete hearts, and they are growing according to plan. Who’s plan you say? I remind myself, GOD HAS A PLAN. Whatever happens, it is GOD’S plan.
On the 16th, we had a general ultra-sound, and an appointment with our high risk OB-GYN. She is new to our doctor line-up, and not the person I am familiar with as far as women’s care. She in the past has been a little cold and clinical for my liking. But, all the doctor’s had a get-together to orchestrate their plan of action, and since then, she is a little brighter and dare I say, hopeful? The ultra-sound showed the girls are a touch over 4 lbs. a piece already, and also growing at normal, singleton baby rates. Truly amazing. They measure my belly at this appointment. For what, I’m not sure, as there is not a growth chart for twins. But, with the growth chart they do have for singleton babies, my belly was measuring 43 weeks pregnant. Did I mention I’m huge? That’s OK. Hoping that coordinates to big healthy babies.
From the doctor’s and surgeon’s POW-WOW, we have learned that they have set a date. April 12th. That’s 21 DAYS AWAY! They also have a contingency plan. In case the girls decide to make a move earlier. I can tell you, I try not to be a hypochondriac, but every twinge, every time a muscle pulls, I get a little scared. This new doc hasn’t told me to avoid or stop anything, so I’m still at work until April 8th, pending no emergencies arise. I wasn’t told not to travel or restrict anything, but we have decided against going to Miami for Easter. Being 5 hours away from the hospital is probably not too practical.
The contingency plan: The NICU said they can prep in 30 minutes. They said, should I go into labor, people are on the ready, and they need 30 minutes. That’s amazing as well. Each girl will have her own team of doctors, and the plan is to stabilize for 10 days to 2 weeks. As long as they do well, they will do the separation at that time, and repair Scarlett’s heart immediately after the separation. Basically, the thought is to get them stabilized on the outside world, but not wait too long, as Scarlett may not do well with a longer waiting period due to her transposition of the great arteries. Savannah should only require the separation, and they expect her portion to go very smooth.
After the girl’s are born, they will do an MRI, and echo-cardiogram just to ensure everything is as they think it is. The girls are complete, with their own everything, with the exception of the diaphragm. To me, this is still up in the air as the girls have more than once gotten hiccups at different times. This seems like a hopeful thing for two diaphragms. So, two complete everything’s with maybe that exception, and connected (but each complete) at the heart and liver. The surgeon we met with on the 17th, says diaphragm’s are easy to recreate. Who knew?
As always, keep us in your hearts, thoughts and prayers.